"and I spent the next part of my chronological existence as an infant freefalling down its very first identity crisis."

Hey Matt,

Is Matt too forward? 

I internally debated until landing on the theory that any customer of mine is now a friend of mine, and since Matt is what I call every friend named Mathew I know (admittedly only one), then your name is now Matt. 

If that seems weird to you, you should know that everyone else who meets you engages in a similar struggle. 

If you're like me, you already know, and there's a teensy tiny secret part of you that relishes being responsible for it. 

(And if so, don't be ashamed, we all got our thing.)

What I should call you got me thinking about what I call me, because it wasn't my first name.

I was born Michael Joe Allgood, after another Michael, my father's best friend at the time.

I say "at the time" because father may have a new best friend now. We don't talk about stuff like that. He probably wouldn't want me to tell you either way, so I won't bother calling him at work to ask. But know that I seriously considered it.

Anyway, right around the moment I was beginning to really understand the concept of identity, having this revelation that I had my very own identity, "Michael", in this ever-expensive universe, that precious gift was promptly ganked away.

Suddenly I became Joey, a bastardization on my middle name, and I spent the next part of my chronological existence as an infant freefalling down its very first identity crisis.

In other words, if there is a god, it probably likes my sense of humor.

Anyway, now I'm only "Michael" to car salesmen, because I know they'll call me "Mike" when they think that I trust them. 
I plant it like a secret alarm to alert Future Me when we might be trapped in the gravitational pull of his vortex of lies.

I might be a lot of things, but I ain't no Mike, buddy.

I've never sent an order status update like this before, but then again, you have to have expected it on at least SOME level, considering the name of the site you ordered from.

So please thank whoever named you Matthew, for creating this spark of inspiration to speak to you in earnest.

Or blame them, I guess, if it was too weird.

Your friend,